


love today

by theyellowcurtains



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Coming Out, David is sweet as hell, Depression, Drinking, Flirting, Kissing, M/M, Matteo doesn’t wanna sleep with David but he also does so bad, Matteo is sad about his ex, Matteo’s friends won’t give him a break, Mention of Panic Attack/Being Overwhelmed, Shotgunning, Uni AU, but sorting out coping, close encounters, will add proper tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-03-01 01:19:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theyellowcurtains/pseuds/theyellowcurtains
Summary: Uni was supposed to be a refocus for Matteo. Dedicating himself to his studies and not letting himself get caught up in boys until he was finished. Unfortunately the universe doesn’t like letting things go to plan for him.





	1. Blue Eyes (your heart is broken)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in my history class and it’s mostly introductions and stuff but bare with me please

A week into uni and they all survived. The boys were dragging Matteo out for ‘the most important party of the year’, he really didn’t want to go out. He’d planned the for this year to be busy and wanted to stay on top of all his stuff from day one.

“Yeah, yeah we know. Matteo is doing serious work with his teaching and other bullshit courses blah blah blah. It’s one party in the first week when you don’t have any work. Come on.” Jonas says slapping Matteo on the thigh and getting up off his bed.

“Come on Luigi. We’re going to get you some dick!” Carlos bounces in the doorway, “I’ve even got the perfect guy to hook you up with.”

“Yeah, no. That’s what we’re not gonna do. I’m not hooking up with some random, especially not one you picked out.” Matteo says. He’s already given up on trying to get out of going, but he really wasn’t ready to hook up with someone.

He’d only been single for two months which was something Matteo wasn’t ready to think about, he was still really pissed off at Karl for leaving him just because they were going to different universities. It still fucking hurt even though Karl was kind of a massive jerk. He was Matteo’s first boyfriend and they were together for two and a half years and Matteo was fucking hurt. He really wasn’t ready for his friends to be hooking him up and he really wasn’t ready to go out looking for someone himself.

“Kiki told me he’s really hot and apparently can get any girl, or guy, in his bed with a look.” Carlos says.

“Oh so he’s got Kiki’s seal of approval? Why didn’t you tell me that earlier? No. You’re not looking me up with anyone, especially not someone Kiki found for me.” Matteo laughs to himself, of course Kiki found him.

* * *

 

Forty minutes later and they’re walking towards a big house that’s already loud. Matteo’s wearing what Karl used to call his horny jeans, the ones he knew made his ass look ready to eat. He really wasn’t planning on hooking up with anyone but Abdi made a comment about how even if you don’t get any it still feels good to be wanted. It felt good to be a little dressed as well, but Matteo wouldn’t tell the boys that. He’s sort of let himself go through the summer, not really caring what he looked like because he just felt like crap with nothing to keep him busy.

Walking through the door the place is pretty busy, but not yet packed. The boys go through their routine of dropping all their jackets and shit in one place then going to wherever the drinks are being kept.

“I’m still going to introduce you guys to David because he’s sick.” Carlos says when they start going through the game plan for the night. “Seriously! You’ll love him.”

Carlos went off to find David while the rest of the boys looked for a seat to claim for the night. They end up outside on some old porch furniture, it’s still warm enough that it’s pretty much prime realestate for the night.

“Guys, this is David.” Carlos pulls him through the door by his elbow.

David, unfortunately, is drop dead gorgeous. He’s laughing at something one of Matteo’s friends said and it’s almost enough to make Matteo to melt entirely.

“-and Matteo, however don’t get attached he’s being a bitch tonight.” Carlos jokes.

David’s looking at Matteo now and it’s a problem. Matteo’s mad at himself for staring because he’s supposed to be keeping to himself, but he has the mean that looks like he could be the star of his all wet dreams for the rest of time standing in front of him holding out his hand. It takes Matteo a second to realise David wants him to shake it.

Matteo takes his hand and his face heats up, “Uhm, Matteo yeah.”

“Haha, David. Nice to meet you.” David laughs at Matteo tripping over his tongue.

Jonas scoots over on the couch, squishing Abdi on the other side. “David bro, sit with us for a bit?”

“Yeah okay.” David shrugs taking the spot Jonas made for him.

“Do you smoke? Or mind if we do?” Abdi asks.

“Oh nah, not a problem just make sure you take the butt with you. If my sister found anything out here I’d be murdered.” David shifts so he has an arm on the back of the couch behind Matteo.

“This is your place?” Matteo asks.

“Yeah. Not my party though. I was kind of forced to host by Kiki.” David shrugs, “She’s determined.”

“That’s one way to put it. She’s fucking terrifying when she wants something.” Matteo says.

* * *

 

At some point Kiki showed up and took Carlos somewhere else, Abdi found a group of first year girls and followed the attention. Now it was Matteo and David babysitting a heavily crossfaded Jonas.

“I should probably get him home.” Matteo sighs. He’d been enjoying Davids company, although he’ll never admit that to any of the boys, and he was disappointed that he had to leave.

“Do you think you’ll be alright to get home?” David asks.

“Uh yeah I think. My place is pretty close so I’ll just put him in my living room and hope he doesn’t die.” Matteo pulls Jonas up from the ground by his armpits.

“Awh I’m sorry Luigi. You shouldn’t be looking after me, you should be getting your dick sucked.” Jonas whines at Matteo. He was at least cooperating with Matteo’s manhandling. Matteo would die of embarrassment if he wasn’t so concerned about whether or not Jonas was going to throw up on him.

Matteo lead Jonas through the house to their stuff. “I’m going to text the boys that we’re leaving, can you hold yourself up for a minute?” He didn’t wait for Jonas to reply pulling his phone out of his pocket.

 

**ok.cool.**

_**Matteo :** hey bros, jonas is pretty fucked so i’m taking him home. if you’re not too hungover i’ll see you tomorrow. _

 

“Hey Matteo wait!” Matteo turned to David reading for his jacket. “Here, text me.”

Matteo took the paper David is holding out for him, frozen for a minute. Fuck. Matteo was hoping that David wouldn’t do this so he wouldn’t have to feel guilty that he was flirting with him but wasn’t going to have any follow through. But no, David was giving him his number and and Matteo was going to look like a dick if he didn’t text him, especially since he was apparently friends with Carlos.

Before Matteo was able to say anything, Jonas leans over and throws up right next to his shoes.

“Awh gross.” Jonas groans, wiping his mouth.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry about that. I can make him clean it up.” Matteo offers, David shrugs.

“Don’t stress. I bet he’s not the only one to ruin my floors tonight. Just get him some water and go home.” David pauses and smirks, “if you really feel bad you can come by tomorrow and help me clean up?”

“Uhm, yeah okay. I’ll text you and do that. Cheer man.” Matteo puts his hand on Jonas’s shoulder and guides him out to the street.

“Whoo! Luigi’s gonna get la-id” Jonas cheers.

“Shut the fuck up or you’re sleeping outside.” Matteo warns through his teeth.


	2. Lollipop (love's gonna get you down)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> featuring coming out, sleepovers, and beerfights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first off, this is significantly longer wow. second, i named this chapter before the boysquad clip and now i'm even more happy with it!!!

Matteo is standing on David’s doorstep the next morning. He’s been pacing back and forth, depending on whether or not David’s invitation was serious. If not he'd feel stupid for getting up early and putting on a clean shirt to be uninvited.

“You know you’re allowed to ring the bell” Matteo freezes seeing David standing in the doorway. He’s clearly just woken up, still in his pyjamas, hair a mess.

“Oh uh, Sorry. I wasn’t sure if you were up yet.” Matteo is glad the boys aren’t with him, they’d be ripping him a new one for stumbling over his words like a fourteen year old with a crush.

“Well then, of course, waiting outside my house for me to wake up is significantly less creepy than ringing the bell and waking me.” David mocks.

“Yeah well you know me, I’m the best at not being creepy.” Matteo smiles at David, who is still standing taking up the whole doorway. “So, because I’m completely un-creepy can I come in?

“Un-creepy? What the fuck.” David laughs, “yeah come in. The place is a mess and I’ll really need your help.”

* * *

 

Cleaning itself isn’t too bad. Most of the mess is kept to the same areas and just empty cans. David had already mopped up Jonas’s mess from the night before thankfully.

Talking to David is possibly the best part though. It’s easy and Matteo feels as if he can talk about whatever is on his brain and David will understand.

They joke about everything and that makes it so easy to talk that Matteo doesn’t think twice before saying “I’m always too much of a thirsty bitch needing to be topped.”

“Of course you are. Couldn’t even ring my doorbellwithout help.” David laughs at Matteo.

"Hey, rude! Watch me go ring it now. I’m the master of confidence.” Matteo stands up from behind the coffee table.

“Wait no don’t leave me to do all the work.” David reaches out to him.

“Too late. I’ve gotta prove myself now.” Matteo keeps walking, fully planning to just leave the room then come back defeated when he’s hit on the shoulder by a crumpled up beer can. “What the fuck?”

Matteo turns to David who has already reloaded. He quickly grabs the closest piece of rubbish, throwing without a seconds hesitation. He misses but that doesn’t mean he’s given up.

Matteo scurries to behind the couch and grabs out a can from the boxes they were placed in. He waits for a second to try hear if David was moving but this clearly was the wrong move as David moves quietly and has dumped two cans of gross old beer down Matteo’s shirt.

“Fucking hell, David!” Matteo stands up and is only able to stay mad for about half a second. David has fallen off the couch and is clutching his stomach laugh hard enough to have tears on his cheeks. It’s grossly adorable and Matteo hates himself for thinking that. Last night Matteo had laid away worrying about how amazing talking to David felt. He really wanted to know David and have him in his life but Matteo knows himself and knows that he’ll get attached. David is exactly the kind of person Matteo can easily see himself with even after only knowing him less than twenty four hours. He really doesn’t trust himself with trying dating just yet so if Matteo does keep in contact with David they can only be friends. At least for now.

“You good down there?” Matteo asks when he finally gets out of his own head.

“It’d be better if you were down here with me.” David says shamelessly.

“Mmh.” Matteo hums climbing over the top of the couch and laying over it.

Matteo watches as David digs around in his front pocket. He pulls his hand out with a slightly crumpled joint.

“Wanna smoke?”

* * *

 

Matteo is floating and he feels so good. It’s the most relaxed he’s felt in forever. David is telling him about how good he thinks it would feel to just run away again and leave life for a while. It’s endearing but strikes Matteo with abit of fear that he’s going to get attached then David is going to disappear.

“I think it’s just feeling really detached from society you know? I just moved to Berlin and none of my old friends have bothered to contact me, but at the same time, the people from my old life who I never want to remember seem to always be the ones I have to face. Just the idea of disappearing entirely suddenly seems like a really good idea.” David sighs. He looks over at Matteo with sad eyes.

It feels like Matteo is seeing himself in David’s eyes and it’s heartbreaking. It makes Matteo so sad that such a wonderful boy has been so hurt that the only revival he can see is to be gone.

“You sound old.” Matteo says instead of pointing out anything serious. “Like you’re an old man complaining about those damned teenagers.”

David smiles, clearly Matteo did the right thing.

“That reminds me a bit of my favourite movie. More being scared for what humanity has become.”

Matteo hums asking him to continue.

“It’s called ‘Only Lovers Left Alive’, you heard of it?” David asks.

“Nah, but it sounds like something you’d like with your lame artsy brain.” Matteo teases.

“Uh rude. It’s a cinematic masterpiece. We’ll watch it sometime and you’ll see.”

“Yeah okay, but if it’s shit we’re watching one shitty movie of my choosing.” Matteo smiles while talking.

He’s been lying upside down on the couch next to David who’s still sitting on the floor. It feels like a scene from a movie and Matteo almost wishes he could see them from a different perspective. See how he’s looking at David, if it’s anything similar to how David is looking at him. David just keeps on observing, eyes flitting all over Matteo’s face. He’s not sure who moved but now they’re closer and suddenly their lips are touching. Matteo is about to dive in and kiss David properly, his head cleared form his worries by the weed, when they’re interrupted by a door opening.

“Oh my fucking god! I fucking called it!” Carlos yells across the room.

* * *

 

“What were you even doing at his house?” Matteo asks the next day when at lunch with the boys.

“We had plans and he wasn’t answering the door. I was knocking for ten minutes!” Carlos defends.

“So you just walked in?!” Matteo is seriously confused about whoever taught Carlos manners.

“I heard him inside and thought it was okay. Turns out it wasn’t”

“Yeah I’d say not.” Matteo puts his head down on his arms.

“Hey you should be thanking me! If I hadn’t introduced you guys, you wouldn’t have gotten laid!”

“God I didn’t sleep with David. I’m not going to sleep with David!” Matteo defends himself and his stance.

“Awh well this was a disappointing thing to find out.” David says, apparently having the magic power to materialise whenever it’s most inconvenient for Matteo.

“Oh fuck me.” Matteo groans.

“Apparently I’m not allowed.” David grins.

“Oooh shit! Luigi got burnt!” Jonas laughs from across the table.

* * *

 

David starts sitting with them at lunches now. He and Matteo tend to have the same class hours which is equally a blessing and a curse. A blessing because seeing David so often means he’s really getting to know him, a curse because Matteo is really struggling with not falling for David.

The boys have taken to inviting David to all of their things and adding him toa new group chat which they almost always use for communication, except when one of the boys get caught up in the idea of Matteo and David being together. Often harassing Matteo with texts and photos in their old group chat.

 

**Ok. Cool.**

**Abdi** : bros you should’ve seen them in the library today

 **Jonas** : Oof, that bad?

 **Abdi** :Neither of them even got their books out.

 **Abdi** : Just gross staring at each other.

 **Carlos** : Matteo when will you just give in and date him already?

 **Matteo** :WE ARE JUST F-R-I-E-N-D-S!!!

 **Jonas** : *b-o-y-f-r-i-e-n-d-s <3

 **Matteo** : Shut up

* * *

The boys are all at Matteo's because he has the most space and the least amount of family members looming over them. David had offered to go and help Matteo with making food for the group, which of course the boys gave them shit for.

“Okay yeah sure, go make us some food, and come back in half an hour with a bag of chips because you’ve been busy making out. That’s fine whatever.” Matteo had just flipped them off walking to the kitchen.

They didn’t make out because they’re just friends and Matteo was holding onto his stance, but David had wanted to get him alone still.

“So, my sister is going home for two days and if I’m not mistaken we still have a movie to watch.” David says after settling in at the table while Matteo works in the kitchen.

“We do. Are you suggesting we take advantage of your gigantic TV and watch an awful movie?”Matteo needs to get clarity but can’t help teasing.

“I’m asking if you want to come watch a brilliant piece of art with me and maybe I'll even make a wicked snack for us. Tomorrow night.” David pops his lips after, tilting his head in a way that could be read as flirty.

Most of their hanging out alone had been unplanned and normally in public places. Matteo had made it this way so he couldn’t be able to act on the crazy urge he got often to kiss David.

“Yeah okay. Bore me with your movie and wow me with your snack skills. Tomorrow. Do you want to invite the boys?”

“No just us. I might cry and I only have enough confidence to do that in front of one person at a time.”

Matteo smiles stupidly at the idea of getting a night alone with David. He lets his imagination run wild for a minute with thoughts of what it could be like.

* * *

 

Really it’s perfect. They’re both comfortable together and it’s so much easier to talk without all the boys there teasing them. Matteo sits on Davids counter while he’s baking them biscuits, watching him while feeling grossly domestic and longing for more time like this. Matteo is maybe starting to accept that he likes David and wants to kiss him properly. The idea sounds nice but he really has to consider whether or not it’s worth risking their friendship for feelings. He really feels as if he needs a sign that id be a good move, that David would be okay with Matteo kissing him.

Before they watch the movie David asks if he can give Matteo a letter he wrote. Matteo is confused for a minute before he reads it. Then he gets it.

_‘Dear Matteo,_

_I’ve written this letter five or six (thousand) times by now but hopefully, this is the one you’ll get._

_I met you when I’d just started preparing to live life properly again. I was wanting to isolate myself from everyone always but I met you and changed my mind._

_You’ve been such an amazing friend to me and even though it’s only been one month I hope that you’re someone who is in my life forever._

_I guess that’s why I felt guilty hiding something about me from you. I’m transgender. I wanted to tell you because you’re someone I trust a lot and I’d rather you hear it from me than someone else, because that’s always something that could happen._

_I don’t know if you know what that means but I am here and willing to answers what questions I can. If you need time to figure out what it means and educate yourself that’s okay too. I’ll be here whenever you’re willing to have me._

_I really really like you Matteo and hope this doesn’t change how amazing having you in my life is._

_Love, David._

_(ps. please don’t tell anyone, I’m trusting you)’_

“David.” Matteo says when he’s done reading. “You really need to know you don’t have to feel guilty for not telling me things.”

David looks up and his face is full of so much nervousness, Matteo just wants to hold him close and promise there’s nothing to be nervous for.

“I know, but I still wanted to tell you.” David says in a small voice.

“Thank you for trusting me.” Matteo takes David’s hand in both of his, and David smiles a tiny smile.

Matteo gets why David told him now rather than later. He knows David sees a lot of himself in the movie they’re about to watch and if he shared it with Matteo then told him and Matteo had reacted badly, maybe it could have ruined his fondness for the movie. They were also alone and if David only wanted Matteo to know then it was the right time.

“Do you have any questions?” David asks. “God I sound like a teacher.”

“Yeah you do sound like a teacher, but I do. I don’t know if I can make them make sense right now.” Matteo admits. He has a lot of questions, but none of them really seem important at least right now.

“That’s okay. I probably wouldn’t be able to answer everything right now anyway.” David plays with Matteo’s hands while talking.

“Do you want to watch the movie now?” Matteo asks, not to change the subject but to see if that’s still happening. He’d happily just sit here holding David’s hand for the rest of time if that was okay. But he’d like to know before he committed to doing that.

“You’re staying?” David asks, genuinely surprised.

“Uuh, yeah? I’m here to watch a movie with you aren’t I?” Matteo is a little confused.

“Yeah right. Sorry. Just every time I imagined how tonight went you always left.” David admires, completely open.

“I can go if you want me to?” Matteo is a little hurt that David might want him to leave.

“No of course not.” David looks panicked for a second. “We can watch the movie. Someone has got to help me eat all these biscuits.”

David smiles his proper full grin when Matteo picks up the plate of biscuits, telling David he will have to fight him for them.

* * *

 

Watching the movie David won’t shut up. Matteo normally would get pissed and ask the person talking to leave, but David is just so endearing when he’s being passionate Matteo doesn’t care.

Sitting next to David while in the dark watching a movie Matteo wants nothing more than to be as close as possible to him. Is he tries, slowly moving to rest his head on David’s shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Matteo asks before he relaxes into it.

“Almost.” David shuffles so his arm is around Matteo’s shoulders and Matteo’s head is resting on David’s chest. 

Matteo is so comfortable and warm there. He closes his eyes for a second and before he knows it David is carefully shaking him awake.

“Matteo, movies over. You can stay here but I need to pee.” David says trying to move Matteo.

“Noooo, no moving. M’comfy.” Matteo whines, holding onto David tighter.

“Seriously if you don’t let me go I’m going to piss my pants and neither of us wants that.” David laughs softly at Matteo. “If you want you can go grab some blankets from my room but I’ve gotta get up.”

Matteo groans at that, rolling and getting up off the couch. David walks him down to his room before running off. And Matteo really doesn’t mean to, but David’s bed looks too inviting and comfortable that Matteo’s tried monkey brain made him get in and pass right out again.

David clearly didn’t mind much because when Matteo wakes, David is laying behind him with an arm thrown over his waist. Matteo stays still, hoping to get this for a few more minutes before David wakes up and kicks him out for being a creep.

“I know you’re awake Matteo.” David whispers into Matteo’s hair. Shit.

Matteo rolls over to look at David, and the scene is perfect. The soft light coming through the window making David look like an angel built for Matteo personally. It’s a cheesy though but it’s all Matteo can feel right now.

“So,” Matteo shuffles. “I fell asleep in your bed.” He feels like he needs to apologise.

“You fell asleep in my bed.” David is smiling like it’s his birthday and he’s been gifted everything he wants. Matteo doubts it’s him being happy about him sleeping in David’s bed, probably just him making fun of him for it.

“Sorry. I have no idea what I was thinking.” yes he does. He thought the bed would be so comfortable and smell like David and maybe he’d sleep well for once.

“It’s seriously so fine. I was going to offer but didn’t want to scare you off.” David says. “Now, how about we get up and I can wow you with my breakfast skills this morning.”

* * *

 

Matteo’s sitting on the counter again, this time with a cup of tea in his hands. David is dancing around the kitchen to a song Matteo doesn’t recognise while trying to cook eggs. They turn out messy and still are sizzling on Matteo’s plate, but he still eats the toast and eggs in about thirty seconds without thinking.

“Jesus christ, who raised you?” David says seriously after watching Matteo eat.

“What?” Matteo asks.

“You eat like an animal.”

“Shut up, I do not eat like an animal.” Matteo leans back in his chair, crossing his arms defensively.

“You do, but it’s okay. You’re still cute.”

Matteo’s stupid heart lurches and he really desperately wants to pull David over by the collar of his shirt and kiss the shit out of him. He doesn’t but, but he does stare a little too fondly at him while David is laughing and talking between bites.

“What?” David asks.

“You called me cute.” Matteo says.

“Is that not okay?” David is genuine in his asking. Matteo knows if he said it wasn’t he’d never say it again.

“I think so. Yeah, it’s really okay.” Matteo admits looking down at his hands and blushing.

“Good because I probably wouldn’t be able to stop myself from thinking it.” David sounds confident in his words, which makes Matteo weak in the knees despite sitting down.

Matteo just smiles, getting up and clearing their plates.

“What are you doing?” David asks.

“What do you think? I’m doing the dishes. You cooked.” Matteo shrugs. He really just needs to do something with his hands so he doesn’t explode.

“Okay.” David stands up leaning against the counter with a tea towel so they can work together.

Matteo tries his hardest to keep his eyes down on his hands because he really is not trusting himself. Being completely alone with David is forcing Matteo to consider that maybe it’s going to be okay if he liked David. Maybe it’d be okay if he were to try something with him. Matteo doesn’t want to put his whole heart into it until he’s completely sure David would want something as well. David has already been so open and vulnerable with Matteo maybe it’s only fair he does the same.

Matteo passes the last dish over, draining the water, and wiping his hands on his pants.

“So I have a question.” Matteo starts.

“Yeah?” David puts the plate away, leaning against the bench.

“Am I allowed to think of you as cute as well?” Matteo knows it sounds dumb but he hopes that asking might give him a sign somehow.

“Oh um.” David freezes and Matteo panics a little. “You can. I can’t tell you what do think.”

“But do you want me to think of you as cute?” Matteo tilts his head, moving in a little closer.

“I think I might, yeah.” David is blushing and Matteo wants to kiss his cheeks badly.

“Has no one called you cute before? You’re reacting like a little kid just after their first kiss.” Matteo teases.

“No one besides my sister maybe, or not since I was really young.” David admits.

“I don’t know how. You’re easily the cutest boy I’ve ever seen.” Matteo curses himself for choosing this arch, he sounds so ridiculous. “You’re hot too. Completely unfair.”

“Oh like you can talk, Mr. I can dress like a Grandad and still look better than any guy in the city.” David laughs back.

While talking Matteo’s moved closer to David. His hand is resting on the bench next to David’s hip. Matteo keeps looking at David who is looking at the floor with really pink cheeks and an unsure smile.

“David?” He looks up. “Is this okay?”

“So okay.”

Matteo jumps forward and presses his lips against David’s. The kiss feels like exactly what Matted needed, David’s hands are on Matteo’s face and Matteo is holding onto the front of David’s shirt. David pushes Matteo against the counter, hands dropping to his hips.

“Jump up.” David says in a voice that sounds like he could get Matteo to do anything he asked.

As soon as Matteo is sitting up on the counter he pulls David back in, kissing him hard. Matteo runs his hands through David’s hair.

“Fuuuuck!” David groans letting his head drop back.

Matteo laughs shortly, needing to continue kissing David. It feels so good letting himself kiss the boy in front of him.

* * *

 

David forced Matteo to leave for a class he new Matteo had after an hour of kissing in the kitchen. He really hates that he had to go but it was probably for the best. Matteo is sure that if he kept on kissing David like that he might have exploded.

He couldn’t stop thinking about David his whole lesson, counting the minutes down until he could text David just to be in contact with him. Matteo basically skips out of the class when it finally ends, waiting until he’s no longer in the crowd to pull out his phone. He turns it on to see only one message from an unknown number.

 

**Unknown**

Hey Matteo, this is David’s sister. I just wanted to text you to tell you that you have to back the hell off.

He doesn’t need another boy like you breaking his heart.

 

Matteo’s heart sinks and he freezes in the middle of the hallway. What the fuck?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might end up changing David’s sisters name because I don’t want to do Laura as dirty as I have in this fic. I’ve made her seem like the bad guy and I’m sorry, it'll make sense later on in the fic I promise, she's not really the bad guy she just loves her brother a lot and doesn't want him getting hurt again
> 
> (come annoy me on tumblr @theyellowcurtains)


	3. Stuck in the Middle (i know what i've started)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> feat. sad drunk matteo, shotgunning, and sharing clothes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve gone off my original plan and am winging it now, hope you enjoy. 
> 
> unbetaed despite asking gee to beta because i have no patience and this took me five hours to type up bc i couldn't focus.

It’s two weeks before Matteo sees David again. Two weeks of avoiding lunch with the boys and trying to stay off his phone. Matteo is still unsure about why David’s sister would text him that after the time he spent with David was so good. Maybe he’d read things wrong and it actually wasn’t okay for him to have kissed David. Maybe he’d pressured David into it.

Matteo really wasn’t sure. David had been texting him and none of it has seemed like he was upset.

 

**David**

hey, today was nice - 13.26

want to come over again after class? - 13.28

Sorry if you didn’t see the message. I’m going to bed now, see you tomorrow? - 23.41

Hey, sorry if I scared you off the other day - 21.19

please don’t run away - 02.16

 

David hadn’t texted him since the Tuesday of the second week and it kind of hurt. Matteo wanted to respond but he didn’t want to cross any boundaries. He’d seen messages in the group chat and instagram stories and Matteo knew his friends were seeing David. It took all of his will power not to pester Jonas about how he was doing whenever he saw that David was with the group.

* * *

 

“Okay you’re done wallowing. We’re going out tonight.” Jonas said flopping back on Matteo’s floor.

“It’s fine. I’m just stressed about school it’ll be fine.” Matteo said, slumped back in his armchair.

“Yeah, bullshit. You’ve hardly studied a day in your life. It’s fine if you’re avoiding David, you really don’t have to lie to me, but don’t avoid your friends too.”

Jonas is right and Matteo hates him for it. He’s been avoiding his friends because he really didn’t want to be asked where he’s been or about why he is clearly avoiding David. It just got to the point where he couldn’t get out of avoiding them and the hole just kept getting deeper and deeper.

“Okay fine. One party. But you can’t make me stay past midnight.” Matteo was going to go, drink a bit and come back home to pass out. Maybe it’d be cathartic somehow.

* * *

 

Matteo stays past midnight but he doesn’t feel bad about it. He’d sat in a large group of strangers and played a modified version of kings cup where he drank way more than he’d planned to. But he wasn’t mad.

Now he was sitting in the living room on his own. He’d switched to beer again after Jonas had found him and told him off for going too hard. Really Matteo was feeling good until he was left alone with only his thoughts and people watching for entertainment.

He couldn’t stop thinking about what he could have done to make David’s sister tell him to back off. He really couldn’t pick it and it was starting to destroy him. Matteo was so sure he could’ve had something great with David. He’d felt so comfortable around him but now he was being forced away.

Jonas leaves the party about half an hour after trying to cut Matteo off, he makes Matteo promise to tell him when he gets home and to be careful. And it’s fine. Until it’s not. Not even a minute after Jonas walks out of the door, David walks in.

Matteo feels defenceless against him coming over and it nearly breaks his heat when he recognises the worry in David’s eyes.

“Hey, hey. Can you sit up for me? Look at me Matteo.” David has his hand’s on Matteo’s face and suddenly it’s impossible to keep his eyes open. “How much have you had to drink?”

“I don’t remember.” Matteo slurs leaning into David.

“Do you think you can get up for me? I’m going to take you home.”

Matteo gets up and leans into David, it feels good to be next to him again. David pulls Matteo’s arm around his shoulders and grabs a firm hold on his waist.

“Hey guys, I’m going to take him home.” David tells his friends before leading Matteo out. Matteo’s head is in the clouds while David is talking to his friends, all he can think is _‘David, David, David’_

“Mmh, like you holding me. Missed you.” Matteo rests his head on David’s shoulder while they walk.

“Did you bring a jacket? Where is it?” David ignores Matteo’s rambles.

“No I didn’t.” Matteo sighs, it was stupid and now he’s going to be cold.

“Jesus. Okay here take this.” David takes his jacket off and hands it to Matteo.

Matteo just puts the jacket against his face and breathes in. His drunk brain couldn’t comprehend that it’s kind of weird to stand there smelling someone’s jumper.

“Come on, I’m going to take you to mine.” David starts putting his jacket on Matteo.

“No, I can’t go to your’s, I’ll get in trouble.” Matteo whines dragging his feet.

“No you won’t. We’re just going to sleep then we’ll talk in the morning.” David assures him.

Matteo is so tired and feels so good being next to David again he just leaves with him without really thinking about what the consequences could be.

* * *

 

The door to David’s room clicks shut and Matteo is on the verge of tears, but he doesn’t fully understand why. He doesn’t understand his emotions changing so quickly from being excited to see David and be with him to feeling like the room is going to collapse in on him. He doesn’t understand shit. He doesn’t get why David is being so kind to him after Matteo had ghosted him for two weeks after they had spent all of that Monday morning all over each other. Matteo had left that morning fully intending to come back and try with David. Now he still wants nothing more than to kiss David and keep on trying because he’s ready to be healed. Ready to try.

David shuffles around the room, turning on a lamp and picking up clothes from on his bed. He walks back over to Matteo and put his hands on Matteo’s shoulders. “I’m going to get you some water. Stay here okay?”

Matteo nods wanting to follow David out of his room, but also wanting to go lay in his bed to maybe stop the room from spinning.

When David gets back Matteo is sitting on the bed. He’s not sure if if it’s okay for him to get it. David hands him the glass of water and Matteo tries his best not to spill it.

“I don’t know why you’re helping me.” Matteo says after finishing it.

“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I help you?” David seems offending that Matteo would ask that.

“I didn’t talk to you for two weeks after I kissed you. If someone did that to me I’d be pisses. Especially if they came back and now I have to babysit them.” Matteo feels shit that David has to look after him while he’s such a mess.

“It’s really fine. I told you if you needed time you could have it and I’d still be here when you’re ready.” David is one looking down at his hands while talking. “I don’t know if you’re ready but I’m still here. I still care about you even if you’re not ready to be with me or just be around me.”

Matteo can’t stand that David is saying that he is avoiding him because he isn’t ready. “You don’t know do you?”

“What don’t I know?” David looks up now.

“I was told to leave you alone. Your sister, she texted me and told me to leave you alone. I though you didn’t want me around. I didn’t want to cross boundaries.”

Matteo falls back on the bed. He doesn’t really want to know if David actually wanted him to leave him alone or not. It might break him if it’s true.

“What the fuck? How did she even know?” David groans, falling back next to Matteo. “Please believe me, I had no idea she did that. I really really don’t want you to disappear. Even if I can only have you as a friend, I still want you around.”

Matteo doesn’t say anything he just rolls over to hold onto David, needing to be close to him. Matteo still doesn’t fully understand what happened but he does understand that he just wants to be here with David. That he wants to be able to show him he wants something even though he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing.

“I really want to kiss you again.” Matteo murmurs into David’s shoulder.

“Don’t” David says.

Matteo sits up confused. He thought that David would also want that. It’s confusing him now.

David takes a deep breath. “I don’t want you to kiss me until I know you aren’t going to run away again. I don’t want to feel that until I know you won’t disappear.”

Matteo understands. He really wouldn’t want David to kiss him if he had just run away and was only just back. Matteo probably shouldn’t try until he’s figured out what he’d want them to be exactly anyways. It’d probably just fuck them over anyways.

“I’m sorry I ran.” Matteo breaks the silence. “I didn’t want to cross boundaries incase you’d asked hr to send me that. I might have talked to you once I’d gotten over how you make me feel if I hadn’t seen you tonight.”

“I’m glad I ran into you. I missed you.”

* * *

 

Matteo spends the night as close as he can be to David. It’s so comfortable and warm. When Matteo wakes up he feels like he’s in a dream. David is awake, Matteo can feel his restlessness getting worse and worse the longer they lay together.

“Stop moving.” Matteo holds onto David tighter.

“I’m bored! I’ve been awake for like two and a half hours!” David tries to squirm out of Matteo’s grip.

“We’re having a lazy day clearly. No getting up until dinner.” Matteo lets David roll over so they can look at each other.

“Nooo, that’s boring we’ve got to do things.”

“We are doing things. We’re laying down and we’re talking. Those are things.”

“I’ll cook for you again if we get up. You won’t even have to do that dishes this time. Just sit there and look pretty.”

“But it’s warm here and it’ll be cold out there. Plus what if your sister is home and kicks me out?” There’s a pause after Matteo says that. He is actually worried about running into her and getting in trouble for not listening to what she said.

“She’s not home. I promise. When she is though I’m going to talk to her about texting you. It really wasn’t her place to say anything.” David looks slightly pissed and Matteo kind of hates that he thinks anger is hot on David.

“Okay. We can go have some breakfast and you can confront your sister when you see her.” Matteo gets up while talking, mostly so he doesn’t keep thinking about how much he wants to see a properly frustrated David.

Matteo stood up too quickly and gets hit by a dizzy spell from hell. “Ooooh god, no thank you.” He groans.

“What? Are you alright?” David sits up.

“My head now hurts like a bitch.” Matteo sits back down, pouting.

“Awh poor baby.” David pulls him back and kisses the side of his head. If Matteo was standing up he probably would have fallen over. “Would some eggs and toast help? Panadol too?”

“Yeah. Sounds like a plan.”

* * *

 

Matteo ends up stealing one of David’s sweaters after pouting about the cold for a few minutes. He’s sitting on the counter again, almost an exact reflection of the last time he was in this kitchen. Matteo accidentally imagines how this could be a common morning if he and David were together. He wonders if David would bd kissing him when he walks over to Matteo while moving around the kitchen. If when Matteo films David’s dorky dancing and threatens to put it on instagram, David would distract him with something other than weed.

They end up bak in David’s room after eating, laying in his bed again. It feels like Matteo’s won today because they’re still laying around doing nothing. They aren’t talking much, just being. Exactly the kind of thing Matteo needs.

“Have you ever shotgunned before?” Matteo says as the though crosses his mind. He tends to adopt loose lips syndrome when high.

“Yeah a couple times.” David shrugs. Matteo hates that jealously flashes across his chest. “Have you?”

“No I haven’t. What’s it like?”

“Weird. I think I overthink about the fact that you’re breathing in someone else’s air. If I didn’t it’d probably be really hot.”

David is holding intense eye contact with Matteo and Matteo almost wants to squirm away. He really wants to do it. With David. Now.

“Can we do it?” Matteo asks in a small, unsure voice.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” David is clearly trying to be responsible.

Fuck that. “Yeah, if you’re comfortable with it.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. We can do it.” David sits up putting his hands on Matteo’s hips. “Just stay here.”

Matteo lets David push him onto his back and climb into his lap. Matteo doesn’t know where he’s allowed to out his hands until David is leaning over him and his hands fly to his hair.

“Okay. I’m going to take a hit. Just relax. Follow my lead.”

David takes a long drag, putting the point out in the ashtray on his side table.

David looks down at Matteo again. He holds Matteo’s chin gently guiding his mouth open. Matteo isn’t sure he actually breathes in a whole lot of the smoke because he’s too distracted by David’s mouth so so close to being on his. It’s ridiculously hot, Matteo isn’t sure if it’s because of David or the act itself.

Matteo turns his head to not breathe out right into David’s fave. David pulls him right back when he’s done and presses their lips together, hard. Matteo’s heart is beating way too fast and his hands are gripping David’s hair so hard it has to hurt. There is no hesitation in diving back in after taking a breath. Matteo lets go of David’s hair, running his hands down to his shoulders. David rocks up a bit and Matteo’s hands fall down lower again.

Matteo pulls away for a second. “Is this okay?” He pushes his hands down a littler harder to emphasise what he’s asking about.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” David is out of breath. This shocks Matteo because there’s really no way he could be responsible for that.

David kisses him again and Matteo means embarrassingly loud when David pulls on his hair.

“Noted.” David giggles.

* * *

 

They don’t do anything but kiss and it’s a good thing. Eventually David tells Matteo he’s going to go shower. It takes all of Matteo’s self control to not think about what could have happened if he’d asked to come with him.

They spend the rest of the day sitting in the living room way too close, watching dumb daytime television. It’s still easy to be together without talking about what the hell them making out means.

Matteo cooks them dinner which is kind of a disaster as David’s kitchen is organised pretty much the complete opposite way to how he would do it and no matter where he goes to look for something, it’s never there. David is no help either. He just sits in Matteo’s spot and laughs at Matteo every time he gets frustrated.

“You’re so adorable when you’re grumpy,” David laughs, pulling Matteo over and between his legs.

“I’m not adorable.” Matteo half heartedly complains.

“Oh that’s right. You’re cute. Impossibly cute.” David lowers his voice pulling Matteo into a sweet kiss. Matteo pulls back quickly so he can continue cooking and not ruin their dinner.

They eat together with their ankles tangled and making lame jokes at each other. After the do the dishes together. Matteo spends the whole time wanting to kiss David again badly but also not wanting to cross any boundaries with David. He knows it’s irrational after the day they’ve had but he’s really so scared of messing things up.

* * *

 

They fall asleep together again which is so good. Matteo always sleeps better with other people, but really the best when he’s with David. It’s hard to be worried about anything when being held close by someone who Matteo can be completely relaxed and comfortable with.

When Matteo wakes up the next morning he’s alone. It’s disappointing but he also understands. David cared about being in attendance for classes and it is a Monday morning after all.

David has left a drawing on the pillow next to Matteo’s head. It’s a picture of them laying together in bed sleeping, and written along the bottom;

‘ _i’m not going to run from you_

_(I HAD A CLASS SORRY X)’_

Matteo smiles stupidly to himself holding the note to his chest. When he leaves he writes David anote of his own and take a different sweater to the one he had claimed for the weekend.

_‘If you can guess what I stole you’ll get a reward ;)’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey quick side note; if anyone remembers last year when babyboyissy was active and fun, we’ve now started that up again but on a new blog! Gee and I will be over at [@babieflorenzi](babieflorenzi.tumblr.com%22) and if you guys want to send in prompts one of us will probably answer them!! You don’t have to send things but come check it out!!


	4. No Place in Heaven (been cast away, i felt the cold)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different and I hope that’s okay. 
> 
> Just some warning before anyone reads it, there’s a description of a panic attack kind of as well as talk about picking at skin and depression in this chapter. If you guys aren’t cool with that I’d recommend skipping this chapter as it’s basically the whole content. 
> 
> ALSO!! David isn’t out to the boys in this and i don’t think i’m going to have him come out to them in this fic

The next few weeks are bliss. Most of Matteo’s evenings are spent with David rolling around in one of their beds. They never talk about what it means and Matteo doesn’t want to bring it up. As long as his allowed to kiss David and feel him on top of him it doesn’t matter what they are.

Matteo’s sure he’s now claimed all of David’s outerwear as his own, and he really doesn’t feel guilty until it’s brought up to him.

“Hey isn’t that David’s?” Carlos asks at lunch one day, the rest of the group pauses to look at Matteo’s sweater.

“Uuh, maybe? I don’t know. He must’ve left it at mine a while ago. I was running late this morning and must’ve put it on.” Matteo starts making up excuses. He’d intentionally kept his distance from David in public and around the boys because it’d be near impossible to keep himself from being all over him.

“I swear he was wearing it yesterday?” Abdi asks.

He was. Matteo know this, he’d pulled it off him last night and been teased about putting it on this morning.

“Must have two of the same. I haven’t seen him in weeks.” Matteo shrugs leaning back in his chair. He knows he’s a shit liar and none of them will believe him.

There’s a silent minute while the boys all stare him down. He knows he’s been caught. Matteo tries to not give in to the questioning looks for a few more seconds before snapping. “ Okay fine! He was at mine yesterday. He left it there. Big whoop!”

“I fucking knew it!” Carlos jumps in his seat. “You’ve been hooking up! You have been glowing lately.”

“Oh yeah! Luigi’s got some dick!” Abdi slaps him on the shoulder.

“We’re happy for you bro.” Jonas laughs, he’s shaking his head and giving Matteo a look that tells him they have to talk later.

* * *

 

Matteo walks with Jonas back to his after lunch.

“You know you could have told me, right?” Jonas sounds unsure in his words.

Matteo feels a little guilty for not telling him. “I wasn’t sure if it’d be okay with David for me to say anything.”

“You’re a good boyfriend then. Respecting boundaries.”

“I’m not his boyfriend. We’re just friends.” Matteo corrects.

“Friends who are fucking? Good luck with that.” Jonas shakes his head laughing.

“We’re not fucking either. We mostly just hang, but we also make out sometimes.” Matteo picks at his sleeves while talking. It really doesn’t bother Matteo that the aren’t having sex. He knows David needs to trust him entirely to do that, and maybe they never will. That’s so okay with Matteo, he’d happily be celibate the rest of his life if that means he can go to sleep on David’s chest most nights.

“Oh okay. I mean you’ll probably be together in a month anyways. Doesn’t matter if you aren’t fucking yet.”

Matteo bumps into someone while Jonas is talking and when he turns to apologise he freezes. Karl. Fuck.

“Oh shit.” Jonas says when he realises who they’ve run into. “What the hell are you doing here?”

Matteo hardly hears Karl’s reply, eyes focused on the bouquet in Karl’s left hand. He’s seeing someone already?

Matteo can’t take standing there anymore. “I need to go.” he says to Jonas. They’re outside but Matteo feels like there isn’t enough space for him anymore.

Jonas grabs a hold on Matteo’s wrist and starts pulling him in the direction of his flat. Matteo just lets himself be guided, too focused on trying to breathe. He’s trying to remember the things that were on a pamphlet he was given at the start of the year about stress and anxiety but all of the things he knows he needs to be on his own for.

When they get up to his apartment he unlocks the door and runs through to his room slamming the door. Jonas follows him but Matteo really just needs to be left alone.

“I’m going to fucking kill him. He has no right to be around here. He knows you live here. Hey bro you look like you’re going to pass out.” Jonas keeps talking and it’s way too much.

“Fuck off! Get out!” Matteo yells, throwing himself down on his arm chair and pulling his headphones on.

* * *

 

He doesn’t know when Jonas leaves, but he does. When Matteo finally opens his eyes again it’s dark outside and he feels completely drained. His hands hurt from him picking at them all afternoon. It’s a lot and he just wants to sleep. His phone is flat so he puts it on charge before climbing into bed. He wraps his arms around his pillow breathing in the lingering smell of David on it before passing out.

* * *

 

When he wakes again his phone is ringing. He just watches it run out, not even bothering to read the name. He still feels drained from the afternoon before and it scares him a little. He’s already worked so hard to get out of his last depressive episode and even just one morning where he feels similarly scares him. He remembers how much work is took for him to get back to where he has been recently and he doesn’t want to have to do all of that work again. It had almost cost him all of his friendships and his high school diploma.

He spends the day in bed despite wanting to get up and avoid the emotions he’s feeling. He takes forty minutes imagining getting up to shower before needing a nap. He feels a little ridiculous, not really having the energy to feel any full emotions.

At some point Hans comes in and offers him some dinner. Mateo says no but Hans leaves him a plate on his side table anyways. Matteo takes two bites and goes back to sleep. The next time he wakes the plate is replaces by a bottle of water.

* * *

 

Three days pass before Jonas is back. He opens all of Matteo’s windows and makes hm shower. He threatens to drag him in there and stand in the shower with him which makes Matteo smile weakly. Matteo knows Jonas doesn’t through his room while he’s in the shower. Jonas was there through Matteo trying to self medicate with weed last time and he knows there is no way Jonas would let him do that again.

“I’ve made you an appointment with the Uni doctor. We’re going. I can’t go in with you but we’re getting on top of this now.” Jonas drops Matteo’s shoes next to his feet. It’s clear he won’t be taking no for an answer.

Matteo goes. He doesn’t think it’ll help a lot but he goes. He tells the doctor he’s feeling down again and is made to fill out a questionnaire. Most if his answers are ‘I don’t know’ because hr really doesn’t know. The doctor refers to him to the school psychologist and sends him on his way. Jonas makes him submit the referral and book an appointment for that Wednesday afternoon.

Jonas leaves for a class and Matteo goes back to his apartment. When he’s home he checks his phone for the first time in three days. He feels guilty when he sees how many unread messages he has. Some are from Jonas all checking in on him, some are from the group chat and one from Hanna. And nine from David.

**David**

Hey, are you still coming over tonight - Friday

I guess you aren’t - Friday

Will I see you today? -Saturday

Saw Jonas today. He said you’re sick - Saturday

Want me to bring you some soup? - Saturday

I miss you - Sunday

Get better so I can come kiss you - Sunday

Came to yours and Hans sent me away :( - Sunday

Ugh sorry. I was drunk. Get better soon <3 - 15.02

The last message was fifteen minutes ago. Matteo wants to text him back but he doesn’t feel like he deserves it. His brain is screaming at him that if he needs his friend to come over and make him function as a basic human he doesn’t deserve to talk to David. Another small part is telling him he should talk to him and let him know he’s okay and not sick. He wants to be able to be with David right now but he feels selfish for wanting him. His thoughts confuse him and frustrate him. In the end he just drops his phone on the floor and rolls over to nap.

* * *

 

On Tuesday Matteo has breakfast. It’s only a sandwich but he made it himself and he’ll take any small victory he can get. He also brushes his teeth before going to sleep for the night which makes him dully excited that maybe he’s getting somewhere.

Wednesday he wakes up and he’s not alone. There’s an arm over his waist and another holding his chest. He knows almost instantly that it’s David. He’s not awake enough to fully process how he feels about it.

“Relax. We’re just going to sleep. We can talk later.” David mumbles into Matteo’s neck. He clearly knows why Matteo has disappeared now and the thought would make him panic, but it feels really good being held and he just wants to sleep.

The second time Matteo wakes up he’s facing the other way. David’s looking at him in an intense way that makes Matteo squirm a little.

“Good morning.” Matteo says. His voice is still scratchy from not being used and he’s a little embarrassed by it.

“Did you sleep well?” David asks. Matteo nods and shuffles close so he can push his face into David’s neck.

“That’s good. I missed sleeping next to you.” David’s hand is in Matteo’s hair and it feels too good. Matteo’s a little afraid he might start purring. “Jonas told me what’s been going on. I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know.”

Matteo considers what he feels aboutDavid knowing for a minute. “I wanted to tell you.” He admits. David hums as a queue to continue. “I didn’t know how. Didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“How would you disappoint me?” David pulls back to look at Matteo. Matteo can’t deal with eye contact, especially while being so open, so he closes his eyes.

“I’m not always happy. Sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I’m not fun when I’m like that, I’m just a lump.” He says. It’s the first time he’s ever admitted that he feels boring when he’s down, that he worried about not being good enough for others.

“No one is happy all the time. Plus Jonas told me you’re trying to figure out how to cope?” David asks.

“I guess. He made me see a Doctor.” Matteo huffs. He thinks he sounds stupid.

“Did the doctor tell you anything?”

“To go to a therapist. I’m supposed to go today.” Matteo rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I can though.”

David moves into Matteo’s chest. “Is there anything that could make it easier? I know going to talk to someone about what’s going on in your head is terrifying, but I can tell you it’s a good valve to start.”

Matteo thinks for a little while. He wants to go, he knows it will help him starting working on better coping, but he wants to know if there’s a way to make it easier. “Is there anything that helped you get over the fear?”

David exhales heavily. “It’s always a little scary. Especially at first. You don’t know this person and supposedly they’re going to magically solve things for you. It took me awhile to realise I have to put work in for it to actually get results. I also dragged my sister with me for the first couple appointments and made her try answer questions for m until I was comfortable. I think that it helped me having someoneI trusted with me but would have been better if I’d done more of the work initially.”

Matteo thinks that maybe bringing someone along would be helpful, it’d be good to have someone who knows what to expect. “Will you come with me?”

“Do you really want me there?” David asks back. He sounds unsure.

“I don’t know who else I could ask. I know if I asked any of the boys I would just lie to not scare them. I also don’t really talk to any of my family soo..”

“Okay. I’ll come with you and if you want me to be in the room we can work it out, okay?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

* * *

 

Two hours later they’re sitting in a waiting room. Matteo is picking at his hands again, which David notices and holds of of Matteo’s hands in both of his. His nervous energy just transfers to his leg bouncing but at least he won’t bleed from doing that.

“Mr. Florenzi?” A lady dressed in fairly casual clothes calls Matteo’s name. Suddenly he doesn’t feel like he’s in his body anymore. He knows he gets up and follows her into the room because he’s now sitting in an armchair.

“Are you sure you want me here?” David asks him, he’s clearly trying to hide his worry.

“Yeah, I do.” Matteo reaches for David’s hand again, wanting to try bring his brain back to his body.

“Okay. I’ll stay. But you can kick me out at any time okay?” Matteo nods but he doesn’t think he’ll want David to leave.

“Okay, so Matteo I know I have your referral but I’d like for you to tell me why you’re here today.” The doctor starts off.

“Okay.” Matteo breathes in deep. “I’m here because I’m depressed.”

* * *

 

The session is a lot easier than Matteo had expected. Most of it is establishing why Matteo had chosen to come and if he’d had any history of similar periods. The rest is spent figuring out what the next steps are.

In the end Matteo plans another appointment in a week. He decides to not try with any medications yet. He know they’re an option and that they helped his mother when she tried, but he wants to give other things a go first.

David sits with him the whole time, a silent supportive party that Matteo is extremely grateful for. Matteo knows he heard a lot of things Matteo had never mentioned to him before but he doesn’t bring any of it up. David takes him back home and leaves when Matteo asks for time alone. He’s socially exhausted and needs some hours on his own.

“You’ll text me this time?” David asks, standing on his doorstep.

“Yeah, I promise.” Matteo nods. He means it. He only really had avoided texting David back so he wouldn’t find out he was down, but now that wasn’t a worry anymore.

“I’ll hold you to that. If I don’t hear from you by tomorrow night I’ll be here.” David squeezes Matteo’s hand before dropping it and turning to leave.

Matteo hesitates for a second before half skipping to cut David off and stop him. Matteo pulls him in for a quick kiss that he really hopes reads as the thank you he can’t verbalise. When he pulls back David doesn’t try follow him for more.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Matteo whispers before running off to his apartment.

* * *

 

Matteo wakes on Thursday and he feels weirdly refreshed. He knows that yesterday was a big leap for him and he’s going to only get further. He’s glad he had Jonas there to make him see the doctor and David there while he talked to the psychologist. But he’s also glad that David had given him space. Space to not go, space to recharge after he’d used all the energy he had opening up to a stranger. Matteo is glad he ultimately made the choice to go. He’d spent so long being scared of accepting that he wasn’t okay and refusing to get help in fear that he would become his mother that it was a massive relief to have gone. To know that he’s allowed to not be okay. That it can figure it out.

Matteo eventually gets away from his thoughts and goes to check his phone. He smiles to himself a little when he sees the messages David has sent him that morning.

**David**

Good morning cutie <3 - 07.30

Ugh that was gross - 07.30

I know I promised I wouldn’t be annoying but GOD! I AM! - 09.04

BORED!! - 09.04

Do you still want me to come over this afternoon? - 10.41

Yeah come over when you’re done - 11.02

I need cuddles today so you have to come - 11.02

 

Matteo drops his phone back down knowing David won’t reply while in class. They’d talked about him coming over after classes which meant he’d be there around 12.30. Matteo decided he was going to try do something productive so when David get there he can just lay around and not feel guilty. He manages to have a shower, wash his hair, and start on making lunch before David gets there.

Matteo pretty much collapses into David when he sees him. David seems to give the best luges out of everyone Matteo knows. He always puts a hand on the back of Matteo’s head and holds him in his neck. Matteo is sure he could fall asleep standing being held by David.

“Are you cooking?” David asks when Matteo finally lets him go.

“Yeah, thought maybe you’d be hungry for some Pasta á la Luigi.” Matteo jokes. David flashes him his ecstatic grin that Matteo has only gotten to witness a handful of times.

“Well I mean if there’s nothing else on offer…” David trails off cheekily.

“Oh fuck you!” Matteo laughs. It feels good to laugh and he’s so glad David can bring that out of him even when he feels awful.

* * *

 

Later after the sun has set they’re laying together in Matteo’s bed. Matteo’s started to loose his energy again and it’s getting harder to keep responding in their conversation.

“Are you getting tired?” David asks after he’s been talking for five minutes with no interjection from Matteo.

“Not really. A little.” Matteo shrugs. He’s not sure how to describe what he’s feeling.

“Do you want me to leave?” David asks.

Matteo considers it for a minute. David doesn’t make any move to start leaving and Matteo appreciates it.

“No. I want you here. It’s jus hard to talk.” Matteo mumbles against David’s shoulder.

“Do you want me to just talk? You can just say and listen, go to sleep if you need?” David offers. It sounds perfect. Matteo nods, liking the idea so much.

“Okay. You can stop me if this is too much to listen to but I finally spoke to my sister about the text she sent you.” David stops to let Matteo stop him if he wants. He doesn’t. He wants to know.

“She told me she found the letter I wrote you. I’d left it on the couch. She thought I was rushing into telling you and that I’d get hurt again. She really misjudges what had happened, taking me opening the evening in my room as you having reacted badly. I told her she was wrong, that my time with you has been nothing but perfect. She’s sorry for sending it and wants to tell you, but I told her it might have to wait a bit.”

“I’m also sorry though. It took me a while to ask because I was a bit scared it could ruin us.” David laughs at something Matteo missed. “I mean obviously it was me having a slip up that cause all that drama with her.”

“S’not your fault though.” Matteo says. He hates the idea that David mould be blaming himself for his sister’s actions.

“It was. But it wasn’t a big deal, plus we’ve stored it all out now and you and I are brilliant.” David squeezes Matteo close when he stops talking.

“We’re perfect” Matteo mutters. He’s actually tired now and starting to fall asleep to David’s voice. He’s sure he says something else but it doesn’t register as Matteo falls asleep without fully realising.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you guys enjoyed this, i actually really liked writing it because i wanted to talk about Matteo trying to figure out his mental health but also talk about David's experience with therapy
> 
> also remembering that depressive episodes can be triggered by anything and nothing. here i wanted to show that matteo has this big fear of being rejected and cast away and seeing karl brought back memories that are still somewhat fresh in his brain. i could go into a lot more detail about why i wrote it like i did but it'd make this note longer than the chapter


	5. Love You When I'm Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh my god i’m so sorry this took me so long, i got really sick and family bs and i’ve just been so busy. i really hope you guys enjoy this though

Matteo tries. He works hard when he has energy and he still feels like he’s getting nowhere. He’s gone back to his therapist twice and they’re starting on figuring out strategies for Matteo to try when he’s overwhelmed and he always brings home a pile of papers with activities and pages of information that he doesn’t want to read through. David has been keeping the pages in a folder just in case Matteo wants to come back to them at a later date.

He’s really been perfect for Matteo through this whole thing. He’s around but not overbearing, whenever Matteo has said he needs to be alone David has left and wanted for Matteo to tell him he if needs him back. David hasn’t tried to make any moves on Matteo in two weeks and Matteo is grateful. He really foes think he has the emotional energy to think about what being close to David like he has been means. That doesn’t mean it’s not in his head though. Thought that he’s pulling David along for something he didn’t sign up for haunt him, as well as the glaring idea that shit. He’s falling for him despite not wanting to let himself. 

Matteo tries his hardest to not think about it whenever David’s around but it’s hard. Especially when he’s nothing but kind and hasn’t complained once, even when Matteo wasn’t up to doing anything but lay around watching movies for the fifth day in a row.

* * *

 

Matteo’s friends are a lot harder on him than David. They harass him in messages about hanging out with them and after three weeks Matteo actually agrees to go out with him.

It’s a night that David’s promised to his sister he’d be home so Matteo doesn’t feel too guilty making plans when he could be spending time with David. He actually feels pretty good about going out, getting a change of scenery for a night seeing his boys.

He ends up stuck between Carlos and Jonas who are both being gross and gushy about their girlfriends. Matteo’s a couple drinks deep and he really is at the point where he doesn’t care. He’s happy for them both but really he’s not interested in comparing high school relationships to ‘adult’ relationships. He doesn’t feel like he has anything to contribute to this conversation and it’s just taking him back to his closeted days.

“Eh Luigi?” Jonas nudges his shoulder and Matteo realises he’s been zoned out for a few minutes.

“Huh?” He scrunches his eyebrows together.

“I was just saying David’s definitely an improvement from your high school relationships. That’s like going from living on the streets to having an uncle die and suddenly you’re a millionaire!” Carlos fills him in.

“David and I aren’t together.” Matteo shrugs.

“Bullshit! He’s pretty much living with you. Wen you’re not with us he gets all mopey and checks his phone every other minute to see if you’ve texted. If you’re not together I’m going to walk to his house with you and make you two sit down and talk.” Jonas says.

Matteo can’t shake the fluttering in his stomach when Jonas says that David checks for his messages. He hates that he feels so much towards David but just won’t move forward with anything. It’s been six months since he and Karl broke up and he should be ready to commit. He wants to be ready.

“Matteo!” Hanna comes over. She’s clearly more than tipsy, flopping down over both Matteo and Jonas’s laps. “Where have you beeeeen! You need to come with me and make it up to me that you’ve been ghosting me for months!”

Matteo’s missed Hanna and her energy so he agrees to follow her. He’s supposed to be trying to have fun tonight anyways.

* * *

 

They end up doing shots. Lots of them. Too many honestly. So many that it stops burning entirely whenever Matteo goes for his next round. He’s sure he’s gone through every emotion imaginable, now left a shell on the floor of a strangers kitchen. His eyes are heavy but he refuses to let himself sleep here. He can see through the doorway to a passed out Hanna leaning on Jonas who hadn’t moved from his spot earlier. He’s sober and still staying waiting for her to wake. Matteo’s happy for them, he really is. He’s glad they’re back together and he didn’t completely ruin them. He’s happy for them but he really can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness that has him glued tot he floor. He wants to go home but he doesn’t really know where he is. He needs to have someone come get him.

 

**David**

02.30 - I know it’s lat but I need help

Where are you? Can I come get you?

I don’t know. A house? Jonas drove us I didn’t ask.

 

Matteo doesn’t get a reply for a few minutes. He lets his head fall back against the cupboards looking back over at Jonas, who’s talking on the phone.

 

**David**

Called Jonas. I’m coming, stay where you are okay?

Okay. come get me please **.**

 

Matteo tries to stay conscious waiting for David but apparently he fails because he’s soon being shaken awake by a concerned looking David.

“Come on Matteo. I need you to cooperateif we’re gonna get home.” David says almost too softly for Matteo to hear over the party. He just leans forward into David, hoping that’s what he wants.

David pulls Matteo’s weight onto himself and lifts them both off the floor. “Wow strong boy.” Matteo giggles, squeezing David’s biceps. “It’s hot that you can pick me up.” Matteo whispers.

“How can you go from sad drunk to horny drunk so quickly and with no more drinks?” David laughs at Matteo while guiding him outside.

“I’m always sad and horny that’s how.” Matteo nods.

“Okay, fair enough. Come on, I’ve got us a cab to go back to yours.” David tries to get Matteo to hurry up with putting his coat on at the door.

“Cant we go to bed?” Matteo asks, exhaustion hitting him hard again.

“That’s the plan hopefully.” David dags him outside.

“Are you gonna stay?” Matteo wants him to really bad. Doesn’t want to go back and be alone without him.

“I wasn’t supposed to tonight but I don’t trust you to not die being this shitfaced.”

In the cab Matteo slumps in the seat feeling lethargic. He holds onto David’s hand the whole ride back and stumbles up the creaky stairs trying to keep handing on.

“Do you have your keys?” David asks. Matteo digs around in his pocket for them, dropping his keys trying to get them in the lock.

When the door opens Matteo throws his keys too hard and misses the bowl but he doesn’t care enough to pick them up. He hears David sigh behind him and put the keys where they belong.

“Do you want to go to bed or shower first?” David whispers after shutting the door.

“I don’t know.” Matteo shakes his head. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to shower and stay awake the whole time.

“Okay. We’re going to sleep but you’re showering in the morning. I don’t care how hungover you are, you smell like booze.” David picks Matteo’s spare pillow off the ground. “I’m going to steal a shirt to sleep in.”

Matteo nods, taking his jeans and socks off before flopping down on the bed face down. He listens as David goes through his drawers and gets changed. As soon as he’s in bed as well Matteo moves to have his head on David’s chest.

“I’m sorry I messaged you and made you come get me.” Matteo says. “You should be pissed to me.”

“I’m not.” David whispers.

“I know and it’s annoying.” Matteo complains. If he were David he wouldn’t have even come. Probably would’ve fucked off ages ago.

“It’s annoying that I’m not mad at you?” David asks through a soft laugh.

“Yes. I don’t understand why you’re here. Like I know that you care and stuff but I messaged you at two-thirty in the morning when you were supposed to be at home asleep.” Matteo looks up to David who’s already looking down at him. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.” David sighs and grabs a hold of Matteo’s hand. “It’s not like I can sleep without you anymore, not properly at least. I’m glad you got me to come get you even if you’re a mess. You trusted me to be able to help which felt fucking amazing. Plus I was worrying about you anyways. It’s comforting that you’re here and I can see that you’re okay.”

“I’m glad you’re here.” Matteo mumbles. “I’m always happiest around you. I think the boys might be right.” Matteo really does feel at least a tiny bit better around David. Even on his shittiest days he feels at home with David by his side.

“Right about what?” David asks.

“That I’m in love with you.”

* * *

 

Matteo wakes up the next morning and feels like he’s been to hell and back. He’s sure he’s never been this dehydrated in his life. He opens his eyes and forces himself to keep them open despite the fire it sets in his head. He thinks he’s an idiot for drinking so much. He doesn’t remember much besides leaving the house. He’s really just glad he managed to get back to his flat in one piece.

Matteo lays thinking about getting up for a few minutes before his door is opening slowly. Matteo doesn’t bother shouting at whoever it is to get out. If it was an energetic Hans he wouldn’t be so quiet. Someone sits down next to him and he rolls over to see who.

“I thought you might be up.” Davi says quietly. Matteo’s grateful it’s him but also he must look a mess and that’s not great.

“Yup.” Matteo says. His voice is crackly and his throat is dry.

“Here.” David passes him a glass of water. “How are you feeling? You were pretty out of it last night.”

Matteo scoffs, “I feel like utter crap. My heads one of those watermelons that people tried to explode using rubber bands.”

“That sucks for you.” David grins cheekily, the mood changing with his smile.

“Uh rude. You’re supposed to pity me and say ‘Oh no Matteo! What ever can I do to make it better?’” Matteo jokes, laughing when David shoves him and tells him to shut up.

“No but seriously, can we just stay in bed today?” Matteo asks when they’ve calmed down.

“Yeah of course. Just for today.” David settles in against Matteo’s chest, holding onto him securely.

* * *

 

Weeks pass and Matteo starts to see improvements again. He talked to his doctor and started a medication. He’s still not one hundred percent sure he needs it but it’s help. In other area’s he starts with smaller things, trying to do at least one activity a day. He cleans his room for the first time in months and it feels good. He hands out with his friends more and starting doing to more classes. He tells his teachers a bit about why he went missing in action and most understand.

He’s not sure he could’ve done a lot of what he has without support. Support from his friends by not pressuring him too much but still being there when he needs them. Support from this therapist who helps him learn what coping mechanisms work and what don’t. Support from his flatmates for not going off at him for forgetting groceries for weeks on end and for how gross he has been.

One o the biggest impacts on Matteo’s journey has been David. He wouldn’t have started therapy without him, he wouldn’t have been motivated to keep going either. He probably would be keeping up the self-destructive behaviours if he didn’t have David encouraging him to try new things.

David helped Matteo develop his list system where he’ll make a list of things he wants to do during the next few weeks. He finds it rewarding to be able to check things off and it gives him a sense of accomplishment even when it’s a small thing like making dinner for his flatmates. It’s a good system and means he can see what he wants to do. It helps to see reminders of things he likes to do.

David’s also helped him develop a routine. They get up together on weekdays and David will make them breakfast while Matteo showers. Matteo figures out morning showers make him feel ready for the day. They’ll eat breakfast together and goo out to do their things. On good mornings David will hold Matteo’s hand while they eat. Sometimes Matteo will pull David in and kiss him before leaving. They don’t talk about it. They’re living like they’re together. David spends most nights at Matteo’s, often holding him until he goes to sleep.

It’s really good and Matteo would be happy to live like this forever if it wasn’t for the coming question of what it means. He doesn’t get why David is sticking around when Matteo won’t speak up and figure out what they are. He keeps his concerns to himself until it gets to be too much and starts keeping him up.

David’s stayed up with him this night, promising to keep him company until he’s tried. Most of that has meant just laying with Matteo, drawing patterns on his back. But eventually he talks.

“What’s keeping your mind so busy?” He whispers as Matteo sees the clock switch over to two o’clock.

Matteo moves a little so David knows he’s thinking about his answer. “Why are you still trying to help me? Like what are you getting out of it?”

He hopes he doesn’t sound rude or ungrateful. He’s really glad David’s there but he doesn’t understand why David is sticking around.

David takes a deep breath before talking, his finger trailing up and down Matteo’s arm again. “I’m here because yo once told me you love me and I need to be here for when you’re ready to say it again. I feel so loved by you but I understand if you’re not ready to talk about it or acknowledge it. I like being around you and I’m so ready to love you but it’s okay if you aren’t ready for that.”

Matteo is more shocked than he probably should be. He knows David is interested in him, he’s known since they first kissed, but he didn’t know that he was here and wanting more. It’s a good feeling hearing David talk about it. They’ve both avoided talking about their feelings, and maybe that’s a bit of Matteo’s fault, but now David’s said something he’s opened the floodgates. Began their ascension.

“I’m ready. I know I’m ready because I know I’ve fallen. I love you and I’m sorry you had to wait so long.” Matteo whispers looking at David. It’s honest, brutally open. But Matteo doesn’t care.

“Good, because I’m ready too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter is the last chapter for this fic and i’m excited for it. I finish school for this term this week so hopefully I’ll have it up soon for you. in the meantime come annoy me on tumblr or something idk

**Author's Note:**

> (all chapter titles are mika song titles but i’m not sorry)
> 
> (i also know david doesn’t have blue eyes but i couldn’t find something i liked better)
> 
> (also love you gee for making me change this to davenzi, but also blame them for my bad characterisation please and thank you)
> 
> (annoy me on tumblr pls [ @theyellowcurtains ](theyellowcurtains.tumblr.com) )


End file.
